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 Post subject: Joke Time
 Post Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:26 pm 
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Meh
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Posts: 1893
Location: in an english country garden.
A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how he decided which patients should be kept in.

The director said, "We fill up a bath and then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub."

The visitor says, "Oh, I see! A normal person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest"

The director says, "No! A normal person would pull the plug out! Would you like a bed near the window?" :P

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Time
 Post Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:57 pm 
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Meh
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Location: in an english country garden.
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender. While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.

The bartender says to the guy, "What's wrong with your monkey? He just ate one of the pool balls!"

The guy replies, "I can't help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to stop it." He then picks up the monkey, and leaves.

A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.

The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is he doing now?" The guy answers, "He still pretty much eats everything, but after the ball incident a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats it."

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 Post subject: Re: Joke Time
 Post Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:06 pm 
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Meh
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Location: in an english country garden.
Prank Call To Asda
:lol:

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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 4:41 am 
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Amazing Looney
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Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 4:25 am
Posts: 2369
Location: Aussie
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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If everything gets too much for you, and you feel the whole world is against you, go and stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

-- Harpo Marx


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 4:43 am 
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Amazing Looney
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Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 4:25 am
Posts: 2369
Location: Aussie
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

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If everything gets too much for you, and you feel the whole world is against you, go and stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

-- Harpo Marx


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 4:45 am 
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Amazing Looney
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Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2005 4:25 am
Posts: 2369
Location: Aussie
A young man, called Ron, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

He went with his girlfriend ' s sister to Harrods, and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves, The sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking, Ron sealed the package, and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all, I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.

She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love

Ron x

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing

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If everything gets too much for you, and you feel the whole world is against you, go and stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

-- Harpo Marx


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 4:47 am 
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Amazing Looney
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Posts: 2369
Location: Aussie
A girl asks her boyfriend if he'll come over to dinner and meet her parents. She also tells him that since this is such a big event, she would like to go out after and make love for the first time.

(it gets better i swear lol)

Obviously the boy is ecstatic, but seeing as it's his first time too he rushes down to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist all about the plan and the pharmacist ends up helping him for over an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy what size pack of condoms he would like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or family-size. The boy insists on the largest pack, certain that they'll be pretty "busy" that night.

Later, the boy arrives at his girlfriend's house. She is excited and nervous about him meeting her parents. She takes him in to the dinner table, where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly bows his head and offers to say grace.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer.

10 minutes go by, and he doesn't move.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl leans over to her boyfriend and whispers, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy turns to her and replies very very softly, "And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

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If everything gets too much for you, and you feel the whole world is against you, go and stand on your head. If you can think of anything crazier to do, do it.

-- Harpo Marx


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 10:39 am 
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Senior Looney
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Joined: Thu Jun 24, 2004 9:33 pm
Posts: 255
Location: Camelot
Three nuns walk into a bar.

(forgot the rest of the joke, but you have to admit, what a setup).


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:26 pm 
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Major Looney
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Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2006 12:32 am
Posts: 874
Location: A sinkhole on Triton
2 men walked into a bar. the 3rd one ducked.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? It felt like bacon!

A man walked out of a bar, drunk. He placed his right hand on a telephone pole to steady himself, and proceeded to walk around it a few times. Soon, he sat down on the curb, dejected, and said, "It's no use! I'm surrounded!"

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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 9:28 pm 
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Meh
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Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2005 3:50 pm
Posts: 1893
Location: in an english country garden.
did you hear about the gay candle?

it went out with a poof!

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 Post subject: Yay for dark humor!
 Post Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 3:48 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2007 3:11 am
Posts: 255
Location: In the farthest reaches of the Hell under Pluto, where the cartoons were filmed.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.

This dude gets angry at his mother-in-law nagging and insulting his wife. He throws a meat cleaver at his mother-in-law. "How could you do this? You killed my mother!"
She calls the cops and that dude is arrested. At court the judge says:"You plead innocent?"
"Yes." said the dude.
"So you didn't throw the meat cleaver?"
"I did throw the meat cleaver."
"How can this be?"
The dude thinks for quite some time. Finally, he says "She was cutting meat at the time. She asked for a meat cleaver. I thought she could catch it!"

What has four legs, one arm, and two heads?
An ecstatic pitbull.

What is gray and has all your money?
An elephant who studied at Harvard.

This man has a son who is just a head. But he loves it so much he nurtures it and teaches him at home. His son turns 21, and they go to a bar. Now his father orders a beer, and he holds his sons head over it so he can have a sip. All of a sudden, the skin under his neck breaks and out plops a torso. He takes another sip, and out plops his legs! He takes another sip, and out plops his...um... "privates". Now he is so overjoyed that he dances in the sidewalk. But, a crazy old lady sees the naked man dancing, and she trys to shoot him with her revolver. He jumps aside into the street, but gets ran over by a truck. His father returns to the bar and cries, and the bartender walks up and says "He should have stopped while he was a head."


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 8:43 am 
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Major Looney
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Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2006 12:32 am
Posts: 874
Location: A sinkhole on Triton
How do you know when an elephant is hiding in your cherry tree? You can't tell if he's wearing his red sneakers.

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