Register    Login    Forum    Search    FAQ

Board index » Monty Python Forums » Silly




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 55 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Author Message
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Oct 22, 2002 5:21 pm 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2002 3:20 pm
Posts: 512
you sound like an intelligent chap....i nominate you to fix it!


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Tue Oct 22, 2002 11:52 pm 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Sat Sep 07, 2002 6:13 am
Posts: 884
My brain hurts.

Lemon Curry?


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2002 2:31 am 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2002 2:21 am
Posts: 616
What is the square root of a larch?


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2002 7:03 pm 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2002 3:20 pm
Posts: 512
um, er, um.....splunge?


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2002 4:31 am 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2002 2:21 am
Posts: 616
Brilliant, that is absolutley magnetically perfect, provided we take epsilon into account.
ANYWAY I LOVE BRICKS!!!!!11


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2002 6:28 pm 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2002 3:20 pm
Posts: 512
lalalala.

i am listening to the bouncing souls. very silly punk-ish music. but anyway.


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2002 2:32 am 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2002 2:21 am
Posts: 616
Johnny don't go to Ballincollig
Johnny don't go to Carrigaline
Johnny don't go to the crystal palace
Johnny don't go to the hole in the wall
Johnny don't go to big television.
Hey Johnny don't go at all
Johnny don't go
Johnny don't go
Johnny don't go
Stay in town
It's your round


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Fri Oct 25, 2002 9:54 pm 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Sat Sep 07, 2002 6:13 am
Posts: 884
And did those feet in ancient times
Wark upon Engrand's mountains gleen?
And was the Hory Ramb of God
On Engrand's preasant pastules seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine folth upon our crouded hirrs?
And was Jelusarem buirded hele
Among these dalk Satanic mirrs?

Bling me my bow of bulning gord!
Bling me my allows of desile!
Bling me my speal! O crouds unford!
Bling me my chaliot of file!

I sharr not cease from mentar fight
Nol sharr my swold sreep in my hand
Tirr we have buirt Jelusarem
In Engrand's gleen and preasant rand.

Lemon Curry?


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2002 5:47 am 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2002 2:21 am
Posts: 616
A la-di-di
A 1-2-3
Eric the half-a-bee


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Sat Oct 26, 2002 6:04 pm 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Sat Sep 07, 2002 6:13 am
Posts: 884
Ho ho ho
Tee Hee Hee
Eric the half a bee.

Lemon Curry?


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Thu Oct 31, 2002 6:31 pm 
Offline
Senior Looney

Joined: Sun Oct 27, 2002 10:20 pm
Posts: 306
A man walks into an office.
Man: (Michael Palin) Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man: Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man: Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay?
Receptionist: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause)
Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
Man: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh...Sorry...
A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git.
(The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.)
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man:(John Cleese) I've told you once.
Man: No you haven't!
Other Man: Yes I have.
M: When?
O: Just now.
M: No you didn't!
O: Yes I did!
M: You didn't!
O: I did!
M: You didn't!
O: I'm telling you, I did!
M: You did not!
O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
O: Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not!
O: Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn't!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN'T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN'T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN'T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!
(pause)
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
(pause)
M: It's just contradiction!
O: No it isn't!
M: It IS!
O: It is NOT!
M: You just contradicted me!
O: No I didn't!
M: You DID!
O: No no no!
M: You did just then!
O: Nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
O: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is!
(pause)
M: I came here for a good argument!
O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument!
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
O: Well! it CAN be!
M: No it can't!
M: An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
O: No it isn't!
M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'.
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
O: It is NOT!
M: It is!
O: Not at all!
M: It is!
(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)
O: Thank you, that's it.
M: (stunned) What?
O: That's it. Good morning.
M: But I was just getting interested!
O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes just now!!
O: I'm afraid it was.
M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....
O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
M: WHAT??
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: But that was never five minutes just now! Oh Come on! Oh this is... This is ridiculous!
O: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
O: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well...
O: Well WHAT?
M: That was never five minutes just now.
O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Well I just paid!
O: No you didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn't!
M: I don't want to argue about it!
O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
M: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
O: No you haven't!
M: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
O: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
M: I've had enough of this!
O: No you haven't.
M: Oh shut up!
(Man leaves the office)




~~~~~~~~~~~
"Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquistion"


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Fri Nov 01, 2002 1:04 am 
Offline
Major Looney

Joined: Sat Sep 07, 2002 6:13 am
Posts: 884
BEN:
You lucky bastard.
BRIAN:
Who's that?
BEN:
You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN:
What?
BEN:
Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN:
What do you mean?
BEN:
You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN:
Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN:
Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face!
I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN:
Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
BEN:
Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.
BRIAN:
Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!
BEN:
You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou--
BRIAN:
All right. All right.
BEN:
They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN:
What will they do to me?
BEN:
Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN:
Crucifixion?!
BEN:
Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN:
Get away with crucifixion?! It's--
BEN:
Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN:
What?!
BEN:
Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess.
BRIAN:
Guards!
BEN:
Nail him up, I say!
BRIAN:
Guards!
BEN:
Nail some sense into him!
JAILER:
[cough cough] What do you want?
BRIAN:
I want you to move me to another cell.
JAILER:
Ha! [ptoo]
BRIAN:
Aah!
BEN:
Oh, look at that! Bloody favouritism!
JAILER:
Shut up, you!
BEN:
Sorry!
JAILER:
Huhh. [cough cough]
BEN:
Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done, and, if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me... that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay!
BRIAN:
Oh, shut up!
[clank]
JAILER:
Ehhh.
CENTURION:
Pilate wants to see you!
BRIAN:
Me?
CENTURION:
Come on!
BRIAN:
Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
CENTURION:
I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.
BEN:
Oh, ha ha ha haa! Ha haa! Nice one, Centurion. Like it. Like it.
CENTURION:
Shut up!
BEN:
Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.

PONTIUS PILATE:
...Make one large living awea. Ahh.
CENTURION:
Hail Caesar.
PILATE:
Hail.
CENTURION:
Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE:
Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION:
What, sir?
PILATE:
Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION:
Ah.
[whump]
BRIAN:
Aagh!
PILATE:
Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN:
'Brian', sir.
PILATE:
'Bwian', eh?
BRIAN:
No, no. 'Brian'.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE:
Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION:
Has what, sir?
PILATE:
Spiwit.
CENTURION:
Yes. He did, sir.
PILATE:
No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION:
Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.
PILATE:
So, you dare to waid us.
BRIAN:
To what, sir?
PILATE:
Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
[slap]
BRIAN:
Aaah!
CENTURION:
Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?
PILATE:
What?
CENTURION:
Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
PILATE:
Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
BRIAN:
Aah!
[whump]
PILATE:
Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN:
I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.
PILATE:
A Woman?
BRIAN:
No, no. Roman.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE:
So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
BRIAN:
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.PILATE:
Weally? What was his name?
BRIAN:
'Nortius Maximus'.
CENTURION:
Ahh, ha ha!
PILATE:
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION:
Well, no, sir.
PILATE:
Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
CENTURION:
Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
GUARD #4:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
CENTURION:
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
PILATE:
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
GUARD #4:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
BRIAN:
Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Aaah! Eh.
PILATE:
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
GUARD #4:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
Wight! Take him away!
CENTURION:
Oh, sir, he-- he only--
PILATE:
No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
CENTURION:
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
GUARD #4:
Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo...
PILATE:
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
GUARD #1:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
...Dickus?
GUARD #1:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
GUARD #3:
[chuckle]
PILATE:
...'Dickus'?
GUARD #1 and GUARD #2:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.
GUARDS:
[laughing]
PILATE:
Stop! What is all this?
GUARDS:
Ha, ha ha ha ha ha...
PILATE:
I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!

Lemon Curry?


Top 
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 55 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Board index » Monty Python Forums » Silly


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

 
 

 
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to: